Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Grief

I haven't posted in a long time. 8 weeks. And in 8 weeks my life has changed dramatically. When we view our lives in retrospect it is so very easy to see the signposts along the way of upcoming events but while we are in the midst of it...well clarity isn't so easy to find.

On July 18th my life and my family's life was irrevocably changed. My little brother, James Greg Mar died. A true artist in ever sense of the word. A self taught musician who could play anything by ear...just sit down and play. A miracle in my eyes that anyone could ever be given such a talent from G_d. A visual artist his drawings and sketches could boggle both the mind and the eyes.



I miss him. I find that as each day passes instead of pulling away from the pain of his passing I merely draw closer to the wound. A ragged edge mass of pain that clutches me at the most random times. I skirt around my life with moments of joy in my work, my children, my husband and my life and then, as if from nowhere, a sadness from deep inside wells upward causing an unfathomable sense of loss and dare I say it...anger. I miss him. I am angry for him leaving and I am angry at myself for my inability to save him. Selfish feelings of guilt wrack my being.

As the older sister was it not my responsibility to make sure my little brother always remained safe?

I don't know when the sudden attacks of grief will pass, perhaps never. I am told by those who have walked this treacherous road that a years time is some magical marking point for grief. But in a year my brother will still be dead and I will still be without him so my grief-stricken heart finds this nearly impossible to believe.

For now I don't seek joy as much as feel a sense of relief when it passes through me. I remember joy as if a friend who has moved to a new city far from me. I know, logically because I am told so, that one day I will no longer weep when I think of my brother but for now...for now...my tears continue to flow.

3 Comments:

Blogger Maisey said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Maggie. I wish there were words that were good enough to heal, good enough to fix things.

But I love you and I'm thinking of you. My prayers are with you and your family.

August 24, 2011 at 9:33 AM  
Anonymous Kim Samsin said...

Oh, Maggie, my heart is breaking for you and your family. I lost my own younger brother and I know this pain. Every word you've written here feels so true, and I gasped a little when I read this part: as each day passes instead of pulling away from the pain of his passing I merely draw closer to the wound.

Wishing you more moments of peace, and joy, so that they can pass through you and do their work. And I will be thinking of you, and your brother, often.

August 24, 2011 at 9:37 AM  
Blogger Sabrina said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

August 24, 2011 at 9:57 AM  

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